


le saumon de fonte

by Yuisaki



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunk Texting, Eiffel Tower, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, M/M, Shiro is Tired, Texting, eiffel towering, keith lance pidge and hunk are roommates, lance and keith make.......... decisions, lance and keith watch porn, once again a shitpost in fic format, questionable life choices, rolo is the best wingman, rolo/keith/lance for like three minutes, shiro is the world's most cursed man, shitposting, texting fic!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 13:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10308926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuisaki/pseuds/Yuisaki
Summary: pig iron (n.): crude iron as first obtained from a smelting furnace. used in construction of the eiffel tower in paris, france. french: le saumon de fonte.or, five times keith and lance talk about the eiffel tower and the one time they’re there





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> happy birthday to my darling friend halcy! hope you like shitposts as a gift. 
> 
> "TELL HALCY I LOVE HER" - yui to halcy

**i : view from the champ de mars**

_Thursday, 7:34 PM_   


Pidge Holt to: Lance McClain, Allura Altena, and Hunk Garrett

pidgeotto: here’s a good memory

pidgeotto: a memery, if u will

pidgeotto: remember that time lance called fucking “intimate relations”

pidgeotto: [lance voice] intimate relations

allura: szxdcfvbnm

allura: lance voice im oigmeorij

Hunk Garrett changed the group name to [lance voice] intimate relations Today at 12:05 AM

pidgeotto: SERIGOISERJG

allura: ASJDFKNDSKJF NSD

hunkypunk: this entire chat is like 6 fucking memes at once

allura: rt

pidgeotto: the turnover rate is astronomical

_Pidge Holt added Keith Kogane to the conversation._

lancelot: i cannot believe 

lancelot: i'm getting shamed 

lancelot: for saying intimate relations

lancelot: i didn't want to scar children !!!

hunkypunk: we're not shaming you lance!

lancelot: i couldn't just be like "yo i have this great story about this time i visited london and got porked in an outdoor park!!!" i had to make it CLASSY

keith: now we are shaming you lance

pidgeotto: PORKED

pidgeotto: JHJBHD

allura: PORKED

pidgeotto: THATS WORSE

keith: porked.

lancelot: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

pidgeotto: [lance voice] got porked

lancelot: CAN YOU NOT

pidgeotto: i'M CHOKIGN

keith: literally just say had sex 

allura: wait what does porked mean

lancelot: porked = boned

allura: OH JESUS

lancelot: I PREFER EUPHEMISMS

pidgeotto: FJDJFJSJD

allura: [got porked] lance voice

keith: YOUR EUPHEMISMS ARE DISTURBING

lancelot: IT'S A COMMON ONE OKAY

pidgeotto: I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE

keith: PORKED

keith: IS NOT

keith: it sounds like FOOD

allura: porked omfg

allura: pigroasted :3c

lancelot: IT'S FROM MEN WHO CALL THEIR DICKS LIKE. HOT DOGS. WHICH IS PORK. SO. PORKED.

allura: eiffel tower :3c

lancelot: JksaldkjaKSLJDAKLSDJAKSLDJKLASDJASKDJ STOP

lancelot: i don't want to talk about eiffel towering okay

keith: WHY WOULD YOU CALL YOUR DICK A HOT DOG

lancelot: ITS A EUPHEMISM

pidgeotto: what the fuck is eiffel towering

hunkypunk: oh christ

lancelot: okay so eiffel towering

pidgeotto: this is already so awful

allura: YOU SPIT ROAST

allura: AND HIGH FIVE

lancelot: YEAH

pidgeotto: WH A T????????????

pidgeotto: i don’t understand

keith: STOP

allura: a dick in the hole

allura: a dick in the face hole

lancelot: so like. one diddle goes in th front hole and the other diddle goes in the back hole

keith: I LIKE REAL TERMS BETTER

lancelot: and then the diddle boys high five

pidgeotto: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE EIFFEL TOWER

lancelot: it makes like. an eiffel tower shape

_Allura Altena added Takashi Shirogane to the conversation._

shiro: i"Km

shiro: WHAT.

lancelot: hi shiro

allura: TWIWJDOWICIWODUIC

pidgeotto: HBDSKJHBSD LMAO

keith: like I honestly am less grossed out by "fucked" than "porked"

allura: a diddlydoo in the hooha and a diddlydoo in the chomper

_ Takashi Shirogane has left the conversation. _

allura: oh shit

pidgeotto: HOW DOES THAT MAKE AN EIFFEL TO

lancelot: do i have to draw a fucking diagram????? CAN YOU NOT USE YOUR IMAGINATION

allura: please

allura: draw a diagram

keith: oh yes, please do.

keith: i need to be enlightened.

hunkypunk: NOOOO LMAO

lancelot: okay hang on

_Allura Altena added Takashi Shirogane to the conversation._

shiro: There are small children in here.

lancelot: oh shit u right

pidgeotto: fuck u dad

pidgeotto: no i wanna see this. how the fuck does this make an eiffel tower

allura: this is

allura: sex ed

allura: academic setting it is fine

shiro: Ok then we gotta keep the language academic

pidgeotto: like i get u put the doodly do in the hooha and the other doodly do in the less savory hooha bu

pidgeotto: t why??? would that make an eiffel tower

shiro: Yeah, just like that.

allura: were at least doing a better fucking job than the school system

pidgeotto: i'm 2 years old i can use all the memey euphemisms i want

lancelot:

lancelot: okay so that's like

lancelot: the concept.

allura: DSHBKJDSBH

keith: .........

hunkypunk: omfg

hunkypunk: im

hunkypunk: spiejrgoisergj

lancelot: Trackpad Art™

allura: damn thats pretty good

allura: for trackpad

allura: LMAO

keith: do you have to hold hands in the air

keith: while you do it

lancelot: it's a high five

allura: just a high five

allura: like YEAH BRO SWEET SPITROAST and then slam

shiro: I guess they could also lean in and make out

shiro: If they were into that

lancelot: that’s a hell of an idea takashi

pidgeotto: SIN SIN SIN SIN SIN SIN

**ii : le 58 tour eiffel**

_ Friday, 11:01 AM _   


Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane

lancelot: so like that eiffel tower stuff

keith: you’ve been thinking about it too

lancelot: no

lancelot: maybe

lancelot: so you uh 

lancelot: ever watched porn with a buddy before

keith: are you fucking shitting me

lancelot: it feels sacrilegious 

lancelot: to watch eiffel tower porn alone

lancelot: since the whole concept is

lancelot: broness

_ Friday, 11:49 AM _

keith: give me 20 we’ll meet in your room

lancelot: wait do you mean 20 minutes or 20 bucks bc i only got like 12 

lancelot: 12 bucks i mean

keith: i gathered 

keith: are you seriously saying you’d pay me 20 bucks to watch porn with you

lancelot: i mean 

keith: LANCE. YOU NEED TO PAY RENT IN TWO DAYS. 

lancelot: maybe not twenty then damn

lancelot: maybe like

lancelot: a solid 9

lancelot: i mean i’ve already blown like 300 last week on sephora 

lancelot: lmao

keith: LANCE. 

lancelot: SHIRO AND ALLURA CAME WITH ME WHY AREN’T YOU YELLING AT THEM

keith: BECAUSE ALLURA’S THE HEIR TO A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION AND SHIRO’S 

lancelot: shiro is????

keith: shiro could stop someone on the street and ask for 30 bucks and tell them it was for a bus stop and they’d give him their great grandfather’s inheritance 

lancelot: ok tru

keith: but you could look at someone and. i don’t know. they’d give you a granola wrapper maybe

lancelot: RUDE

keith: anyways 20 minutes

lancelot: :////

lancelot: fine

lancelot: two bros chilling and watching porn right next to each other cause they're not gay

keith: we are both very gay what are you saying

lance: okay and it'll be vine ed in the next group chat

_ Friday, 1:01 PM _

Hunk Garrett to: Lance McClain

hunkypunk: lance charles mcclain

hunkypunk: i better not have heard what i thought i was hearing coming from your room   


lancelot: ????????   


hunkypunk: you and keith?   


lancelot: wHAT no not like that   


lancelot: just some uh   


lancelot: porn perusing   


hunkypunk: okay 

hunkypunk: while that's weird i probably won't owe allura money for it so you're clear   


lance: owe allura money??   


hunkypunk: see you later man!!

lancelot: ???!!!

**iii: le jules verne**

_Friday, 11:49 PM_

Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane

lancelot: ………….so

lancelot: so that was

lancelot: a thing

lancelot: ……...hm

keith: lance there are like 90 different ways to interpret that and none of them can be successfully accomplished through text

lancelot: oh keep talking big words to me babe

keith: do you really have to make this so awkward?

lancelot: we literally just fucking watched porn together dude what the shit

lancelot: like it can’t get ANY MORE AWKWARD THAN THAT

lancelot: aside from like

lancelot: doing it i guess

lancelot: which i totally wouldn’t want to do

lancelot: unless you wanted to

lancelot: lmao

lancelot: …..lmao

_ Friday, 11:57 PM _

lancelot: okay so i can feel death coming to claim me now

lancelot: father shiro where are you so i can repent for my sins and die in peace

_ Saturday, 12:11 AM _

lancelot: also annie the fish if i don’t make it out of here i want you to lead the group chat

lancelot: WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING TYPING JESUS

lancelot: i’m gonna die. i’m gonna fucking die. i have so many regrets

_Saturday, 12:16 AM_

lancelot: listen you know what you can just ignore that

keith: i would.

keith: do you really want to?

lancelot: and also to my great aunt laurie in heaven i’m so sorry your nephew ca

lancelot: wait what

lancelot: wEA AIT W AH T

keith: i know what i said. 

lancelot: ……….bruh 

keith: okay rule number one how about we not call each other brother related nicknames right after we watched porn together and suggested fucking 

lancelot: do you mean

keith: FUCKING DO NOT

lancelot: porking

keith: i 

keith: i am going to empty your lotion into the toilet now

lancelot: KEITH I SWEAR TO GOd

_ Saturday, 3:43 PM _

Takashi Shirogane to: Keith Kogane, Lance McClain, Allura Altena, Pidge Holt, and Hunk Garrett

shiro: Okay kids, party at my place tonight

shiro: 7pm, byob please

shiro: Invite whomever since it’ll end up on cyberdust anyway.

pidgeotto: lmao cyberdust what is this 2014

shiro: Pidge is uninvited 

pidgeotto: DAD NO

lancelot: ha you pissed off dad

shiro: Please don’t call me dad 

allura: oooooooh daddy’s angry ; )

lancelot: aeldfghalsdjhvlajsdhg

pidgeotto: Beisbfignrowbf

keith: KFSJFLLAJFKA

hunk: alLURA no eporjgepsorjgposergpoj

lancelot: i’m pissing

allura: : )

shiro: I’m dying squirtle.

lancelot: WOW

lancelot: can’t wait for tonight lmao

_ Saturday, 10:14 PM _

Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane, Hunk Garrett, Pidge Holt, Allura Altena, and Takashi Shirogane.

lancelot: holy shit where's keith

lancelot: keith

lancelot: keith

lancelot: keith

lancelot: keith

lancelot: keith

keith: ????

lancelot: KEITH

lancelot: keith   


lancelot: my dude   


lancelot: my guy   


lancelot: u know eiffel towerinG

_Takeshi Shirogane has left the conversation._

keith: for god’s sake pms please

lancelot: 100 emoji

_ Saturday, 10:23 PM _

Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane

lancelot: okay so

keith: you are a fucking prick

lancelot: there's a guy i was macking out with   


lancelot: super hot   


lancelot: soccer team todd rolo. kind of greasy but hot????? rly hot

lancelot: we're still making out but we were talking sexy 

lancelot: he said he'd be down for it COME ON   


lancelot: live the fantasy   


keith: i'm sober enough to know this is an awful idea   


lancelot: then take two more shots and come on!!!!   


lancelot: keith   


lancelot: keith???   


_ Saturday, 10:49 PM _

keith: i'm on my way up 

lancelot: !!!

lancelot: ready to pork

keith: cease.   


**iv : bar a champagne**

_ Sunday, 9:15 AM _

Takashi Shirogane to: Keith Kogane

shiro: Care to explain why my bedroom is in disarray?

keith: ah shit.

keith: he was in a crop top shiro

keith: a crop top

shiro: … 

keith: i am a weak man you know this

shiro: I am the world’s most cursed man

keith: we put down a towel it’s clean

shiro: I Am The World’s Most Cursed Man. 

_ Sunday, 12:01 PM _

Hunk Garrett to: Lance McClain and Pidge Holt

hunkypunk: so how was your night?

pidgeotto: lenny face 

lancelot: i mean it was great

lancelot: like really great

lancelot: me and keith eiffel towered someone from the soccer team

hunkypunk: i wonder what this means for allura’s bet

lancelot: what?

hunkypunk: nvm

pidgeotto: you guys really did it????

lancelot: heck yeck dude

pidgeotto: gross

lancelot: but just uh

lancelot: we didn't just high five 

lancelot: he kind of held my hand?   


lancelot: and i definitely busted my nut staring into his eyes    


lancelot: ……… 

lancelot:i feel like a line was crossed

pidgeotto: oh my christ

_Sunday, 12:23 PM_

Hunk Garrett to: Allura Altena

hunkypunk: girl

hunkypunk: Attached: screenshot_1021.png

allura: “i feel like a line was crossed”

allura: im pissing

allura: i feel like the bet is still on though

hunkypunk: the stakes have been raised

hunkypunk: steaks

allura: that sounds good let’s get lunch

hunkypunk: weary emoji weary emoji weary emoji 100 emoji 100 emoji fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji ok hand emoji ok hand emoji ok hand emoji

allura: did you just type all that out

hunkypunk: allura... i live with lance

allura: masterful point

_ Sunday, 1:49 PM _

Keith Kogane to: Lance McClain

keith: you left your jacket at shiro’s

keith: i have it

lancelot: thank you!!!!

lancelot: hope you’re not too hungover or anything

keith: no, just a little sore

lancelot: hot

keith: it kind of was

lancelot: holy shit dude okay yeah let’s talk about it then yeah

keith: yeah, let’s talk about it.

_ Sunday, 2:16 PM _

lancelot: so you were just waiting for me to talk about it huh

keith: absolutely

lancelot: it was a good experience, yes?

lancelot: rolo was good

lancelot: you

lancelot: uh

lancelot: you were…… good

keith: we should do it again……. sometime?

lancelot: yes

keith: cool.

lancelot: i’ll… text rolo sometime?   


keith: rolo?

keith: rolo. yeah. right. sounds good.

lancelot: cool

keith: great

lancelot: awesome

_ Sunday, 2:31 PM _

keith: you have nice eyes btw

lancelot: that’s a little gay don’t you think

keith: we literally have had our penises in the same man

lancelot: ha hahahAHAHHAhaha 

_ Sunday, 2:35 PM _

Lance McClain to: Pidge Holt and Hunk Garrett

lancelot: a moodboard

lancelot:

lancelot: I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Fucking Killed Myself™

hunkypunk: keith?

pidgeotto: hahHahahahahahaha lmao

lancelot: i’m dying

pidgeotto: is it blissful

lancelot: yeah a little bit

lancelot: he has such nice eyes tho

pidgeotto: ha

pidgeotto: gay

**v : 1,063 feet above ground**

_ Tuesday, 4:35 PM _

Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane

lancelot: rolo texted me about getting together this week?

lancelot: tonight good for you?

lancelot: i don’t have class tomorrow so

keith: yeah, sure

lancelot: cool

keith: cool

lancelot: yeah, cool

keith: cool

lancelot: cool

keith: yeah. cool.

lancelot: ............

lancelot: cool

_ Tuesday, 5:15 PM _

lancelot: wanna get dinner before he comes over?   


keith: i’ll drive

lancelot: you’re so good to me babe <3

keith: i will run over your foot

lancelot: ooo dirty talk already

lancelot: wait i heard your car start DON’t LEAVE

_ Tuesday, 7:34 PM _

Pidge Holt to: Hunk Garrett, Keith Kogane, and Lance McClain

pidgeotto: friends

pidgeotto: countrymen

pidgeotto: roommates

pidgeotto: why is there a tall strange man in the house

hunkypunk: ???

lancelot: shit sorry it’s a friend we’re having over

lancelot: we’ll be quiet no worries

pidgeotto: that sounds suspicious and gay 

lancelot: YOU’RE SUSPICIOUS AND GAY

pidgeotto: ………………… true

_ Tuesday, 8:59 PM _

Pidge Holt to: Hunk Garrett, Keith Kogane, Lance McClain, Takashi Shirogane, and Allura Altena

pidgeotto: Attached: hell_on_earth.mov

pidgeotto: just so we have proof of what hunk and i have to live with

shiro: For the love of Christ.

allura: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSDKASJDA

allura: i’m WHEdsEZING

pidgeotto: they had a “friend” over

shiro: Isn’t this an invasion of privacy

hunkypunk: isn’t us having to hear this an invasion of privacy?

shiro: …………………… Masterful point.

_ Tuesday, 10:01 PM _

Lance McClain to Todd Rolo

lancelot: thanks for coming over, we had a great time!

rolo: no prob, my guy, feel free to call back anytime

rolo: it’s cool to get kinky with a couple sometimes

lancelot: laksjdklaj oh

lancelot: uh

lancelot: me and keith

lancelot: we’re not

rolo: really? could’ve fooled me with how you only nut staring into each other’s eyes

rolo: it’s pretty gay

lancelot: HE HAS NICE EYES OKAY

rolo: he does

rolo: look, there’s no shame in liking him like that

rolo: and you don’t have to use me as a piece to get to him

rolo: if you asked, i bet he would love to have sex with you

rolo: just you

lancelot: you really mean that?

lancelot: i mean, at first it was just curiosity, and then drunkenness, and then just… i don’t know what he was thinking

lancelot: don’t get me wrong, it was great with you there

lancelot: but seeing him touching you was

lancelot: this is weird

rolo: not the weirdest thing i’ve ever done

lancelot: all righty then

rolo: seriously, lance. talk to him. you don’t need luck but i’ll wish it to you anyway.

rolo: see you around man!

lancelot: yeah, same dude. see you at practice.

rolo: i’ll be sore lmao

lancelot: sorry not sorry lmao

_ Tuesday, 10:51 PM _

Keith Kogane to: Lance McClain

keith: can we talk?

lancelot: legit was just about to text you

lancelot: yes

keith: i’m coming over

lancelot: no let me come to your room we just fucked in here

keith: … 

keith: fine

keith: grab me a water please

lancelot: you’re lucky i love you

keith: that’s uh

keith: incidentally

keith: what i wanted to talk about

lancelot: ???

keith: i love you too

_ Tuesday, 10:54 PM _

Hunk Garret to: Keith Kogane, Lance McClain, and Pidge Holt

hunkypunk: did lance just scream???

hunkypunk: i heard a bang and him scream and i have my baseball bat ready 

lancelot: dropped my phone buddy it’s oaky

hunkypunk: thank christ ok 

hunkypunk: night

_ Tuesday, 10:55 PM _

Lance McClain to: Keith Kogane

lancelot: holy shit keith

keith: what

lancelot: you mean that?

keith: yeah 

keith: i guess it’s kind of shitty to say over text

keith: or to have discovered through a threeway with your teammate but

keith: i think i love you

lancelot: i am legit sprinting to your room right now 

lancelot: water be damned

lancelot: i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you too

keith: ok don’t push it mcclain

lancelot: i love you

_Wednesday, 2:32 AM_

keith: i love you too

lancelot: you’re laying right next to me

keith: i know

keith: but i know it’s important for you to have this in writing

lancelot: you were made for me i swear to christ

lancelot: wanna watch eiffel tower porn again

keith: … 

keith: yeah

lancelot: i LOVE you

keith: lmao. love you too.

**+1 : view at the champ de mars**

_ Sunday, 8:01 AM (Four Years Later) _

Lance McClain-Kogane to: Keith Kogane-McClain, Hunk Garrett, Shay Balmer, Takashi Shirogane, Allura Shirogane, Coran Smythe, and Pidge Holt

sir lancelot: Attached: gays_in_france.png

hunay: cute guys!!! hope you’re enjoying the honeymoon!!!

shank: what a beautiful photograph ! you two look like you’re having the time of your lives !!!

danny devito on helium: gay

danny devito on helium: heart emoji

shiro: Congrats, gentlemen. Can’t wait for you to be back stateside and make sure to enjoy yourselves there.

sir lancelot: thanks guys, keith and i are having a great time. hope you’ve all recovered from the wedding ; )

shank: paris is a wonderful place for honeymoons ! the city of lovers !

allura: lance charles mcclain you did not

danny devito on helium: didn’t what

allura: the picture!!!!!!!

danny devito on helium: ….yeah?

allura: ……am i really the only one who gets it

hunay: ??

allura: seriously guys

sir lancelot: lmao

guineith of keithalot: lmao

allura: in the background???

hunay: i hate you lance.

danny devito on helium: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

shank: ???

allura: the god damn eiffel tower

sir lancelot: : ) 

shiro: I am the world’s most cursed man.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to yuisaki for writing, fluff for teaching me how to add emojis, and of course to the "lsitnenign to spitty buttons during [bread voice] intimate relations" gang for inspiring this fic. like, literally, the first conversation is verbatim our group text. so... thank you guys. i love you.
> 
> come hang out with me on tumblr @ breadpoetsociety and twitter @ breadpoetsociet


End file.
